This week I re-engaged in my epic struggle with dozens of small wooden people.
It felt very, very hard to get what seemed to be very, very little done. And then I felt very bad about myself. Sigh.
This particular type of internal struggle, usually packed with some spicy self-hatred, is actually a common state for me when I get close to finishing something. My brain gets obsessed with being done and with the work being meaningful and it decides it is going to figure out how to make all that happen. Now.
And then, of course, everything stops.
Because my brain is just a tool, it is not actually what makes any of the good stuff happen. Do you sit around waiting for your hammer to build your house? It’s about as likely that my brain will generate creative work.
In a moment of frustration I finally remembered to release the silliness that is my secret weapon against all ego-filled, brain-focused fantasies of accomplishment, and the little wooden people suddenly got engaged in kicking each other, sitting on each other, peering into each other’s bottoms, etc. It was perfect.
Something relaxed in me and I was able to really listen to where pieces should go and put them in place. So now I have half the series either done or close to done. Here are a couple.
But most importantly, and thanks more than a little to another resounding coaching call with Zarah, I now feel like I understand why I get so tortured when I get close to being done (brain/ego Death Star pulling me in – and yes, I recently watched Star Wars) and how to fight back when that happens (with the blast shield down, of course).
Besides using the silliness, I realized that creating the backgrounds is relaxing and rejuvenating, since it helps me keep the faith that this magical art-generating thing that is greater than me is always there.
So I took a little walk to the art supply store, and while I engage in this much more ego/brain sticky work of arranging people, I am going to alternate with working on some new backgrounds on paper that is twice the size of the old. Fun! As it should be.
So this week, may the silly be with you! It is clearly with me.